Someone shit on the floor
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
