If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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