A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
