My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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