i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
did you just send me my own nude
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
