He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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