how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
