There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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