I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
