i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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