I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
