but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
