dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
