Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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