You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
