A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
