He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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