remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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