I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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