3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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