sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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