I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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