ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
