if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
