I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
