I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
