More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
