There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
