I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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