I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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