don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
