remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
