Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
