I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
