Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Boobs are out for the taking
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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