apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
