fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
