my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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