Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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