I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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