I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
