I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
