I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
