Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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