she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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