I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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