The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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