I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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