At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
