It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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