i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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