thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
