Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize