Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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