I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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