she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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