Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
