I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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